A lumberjack walks into a shop to buy a chainsaw… The shopkeeper picks one out and says “this one can cut down 5 trees in 2 minutes”. The lumberjack is impressed by this and buys the chainsaw. 2 days later, the lumberjack comes back to the shop with the chainsaw and asks for a refund….
An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference. He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying “Tell driver your destination”. The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn’t speak Italian, but doesn’t want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing…
Back tattoos. I posted this joke in r/funny but someone suggested that this was a more appropriate subreddit. Anyway, here’s my joke: I was at the beach the other day and I saw a girl with a big iguana tattoo on her back, and I thought, “that’s really sexy.” Well, it’s not so much that…
A man and a woman were in the honeymoon suite after their wedding. The man had started reading an incredible book a few days before the wedding, so instead of having sex, he was intent on reading. Understandably unhappy, his new wife decided that she would go to sleep with the expectation of having sex…
A woman was trying to breastfeed her son in a bus The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to suck on his mother’s breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, “If you don’t want this milk, I’m gonna give this to the gentleman beside us.” An hour later, the kid still refused…
With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?” “No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note. She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?”…
A magician stops a woman on a street…. “Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random. “Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.” She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone. She lived her life as any other. She got a…
Preggers Samantha, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you… if its still okay…” “I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that question all the…
An artist, an architect, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress. The architect said that it was better to have a wife, because you could build the relationship on a firm foundation. The artist said that no, it was better to have a mistress, because the…
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are at a mental institution, bored out of their minds. “How about having sex with a cat?” Asked the zoophile. “Lets have sex with a cat then torture it” said the sadist. “Lets have sex with the cat, then torture it, then…