Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain… One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip and put it over her cigarette. The other lady said, “Hey, that’s a good idea. What’s that called?” The lady responded, “It’s a condom.” The other lady said, “Where can…
Two Italian Men Get On A Bus…. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two…
So B.B. King’s wife decides to get him something special for his birthday…. Blues guitar legend B.B. King’s wife goes into a tattoo parlor and wants to get B.B. something special for his birthday. She decides to get his initials tattooed on her body. To be even more special, she gets one “B” on her…
A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her. A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.” He rolls his…
LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room…
A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption… She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East. Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her…
Blonde guy gets home from work… Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting. “Honey! Help! I’m having a heart attack!” He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son…
An Irish housewife is at home while her husband is away working at the Guinness factory when she hears a knock on the door. Upon answering the door, she sees one of her husband’s friends and co-workers standing on the front porch. “Mary,” says the man, “I’m afraid I have some terrible news. You see,…
Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says “Ok, I’ll bite. Why are you invisible?” Obama says “Well, I found a bottle on the beach and…then I rubbed it.” “And then…importantly…A genie came out.” “The genie said I could have…3 wishes.” For my first wish,…
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” “No”, he replies, “I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was…