On his birthday, an old guy is going around the nursing home, entertaining himself by saying, “Guess how old I am! Guess how old I am!” “I don;t know, 81? 82?” “Nope! Nope! I’m 95!” He approaches an old lady sitting by herself in the hall, and says, “Guess how old I am!” “OK.” She…
5 year old son after reading a story about a king… Son:Mom, I also want 5 wives.one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me Mom:And one will put you to sleep Son:No mom, i will still sleep with you Mom’s eyes filled up with tears … God bless you son Mom:but who will…
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe revising his draft of Being and Nothingness – a book about the philosophy of genuine choice versus just the appearance of having a choice. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress, already a big fan, replies, “I’m…
A man walks into a bar, orders a double bourbon, neat, and downs it in a single gulp. “How big is a penguin?” he asks. The barman says, “Around 18 inches.” He orders another double bourbon, neat, and gulps it down. “What’s the biggest a penguin can ever be?” The barman frowns. “Three feet, maybe…
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn’t order a Guinness, to which…
Turned the tables on my 8-year-old son. Son: “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?” Me: “I don’t know; how many?” Son: “Ten tickles.” Me: “Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.” Son: “Huh?” Me: “Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you…
Wedding night woe… On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom’s left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital. “Mom,” she sobs, “my husband has only one foot.” The mother, trying to console her daughter, says,…
An elderly man walks into confession and says… “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.” The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were…
A elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest… …“Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.” The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last…
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, “Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?” She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse. A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, “Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?” She agrees, so they…