A young executive is leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” says the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing…
One day I called home and my kid answered. I asked where’s mom? He said mom’s upstairs with the neighbor. I noticed his voice sounded off, but I got horrified and ran home. On the way I realized I accidentally dialed the wrong number, the neighbor’s. So I sighed in relief and called back my…
I call my wife Bambi She thinks it’s because she’s cute with big brown eyes. But it’s really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle. **Edit:** Some people have accused me of “being a plagiarist” and “stealing other’s jokes”… Their words, not mine… *Pause for comedic value* But seriously, this…
My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me. One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller’s. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled,…
So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week She said: “Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds.” I asked her: “What do you think it means?” She smiled and said: “I don’t know…” Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at…
A boy meets a girl for a date The boy said: “I wanted to get you flowers, but when I got to the flower shop, a girl was blocking the door! She was dressed like a prostitute, and was murmuring something, I think it was numbers! I didn’t want to deal with her, so I…
A woman who was in a house fire sustained some serious skin burns, largely on her face. Her husband volunteered to be a donor, and since the butt skin is the most delicate and smooth, that’s what the doctors used. After the surgery, and then some recovery time, the woman is standing in front of…
A teen walks into a pharmacy He walks up to the register and asks the cashier, “How much are condoms?” The cashier smirks at the boy and replies, “$5” The boy is visibly relieved and says, “okay! I’ll take them!” The cashier scans the box and hands them to the boys and says, “That will…
A group of Soviet tourists takes express-lesson of Italian before departure. -Write a couple of phrases in Italian – tour guide says – such as: ”How much does lemonade cost?”, ”Where is the pharmacy?” One of the tourists asks: -How do I say ”Please, provide me a political asylum”? -What have you just said? –…
A little boy is hit by a bus… …and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy: “Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it’s hard to hear the truth but I’m afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?” To…