Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp “What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender. ” Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,”…
A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where…
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his very young mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,” says the Coroner. “Second body: “Scotsman, 25,…
Little Johnny has questions for his mother. The first thing he asks is, “How old are you?” His mother says, “It’s impolite to ask a lady how old she is.” He then asks, “How much do you weigh?” to which she says, “Johnny, that’s impolite too!” He asks, “Why did Dad leave?” His mother sighs,…
A new hot secretary joined a company… Two guys of this company start to speak about her: “Holy molly she is so hot, we should really try to sleep with her” So they start flirting with her. One week later, the first one manages to sleep with her. His friend asks him “So, how was…
Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin are all sitting in a restaurant discussing their plans for World War 3. A waitress approaches the table and listens to their talk. Hitler opens by saying: “Okay guys, I’ve got a great idea. I already talked to Stalin about it, but I figure I should get your input. He didn’t…
Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in…
This was Actually Said.. This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript: Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?” Witness: “No.” Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?” Witness: “No.” Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?” Witness: “No.” Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the…
The first Jewish President of the United States is elected. The night before the inauguration he calls his mother. “Mom, I’d love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days.” “Oh I don’t know, airfare is so expensive these days.” “Mom, I’ll fly you out on…
An underage weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m sorry. I can’t serve underage weasels.” The weasel says, “That’s fine. I don’t need something alcoholic. What else do you have?” The bartender says “Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?” “Pop,” goes the weasel. Edit:…