I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, “How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?” I asked him, “Would you drink with a bloke who’s a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything…
A woman goes to a pharmacy. “I need to buy some cyanide, I’m going to kill my husband,” she said to the pharmacist. Shocked, he replied, “That would be illegal.” “Oh?” she asked. She pulled out her phone and pulled up a picture. “This is my husband in bed with your wife,” she stated. “Oh,”…
Guy walks into a store… Guy walks into a store and asks the clerk, “Where’s the alcohol?” Clerk replies, “I’m sorry, this is a candy store.” Guy pleads, “Do you have any candy with alcohol in it?” Clerk walks down an aisle and returns with a bag. Guy looks at the bag and says, “This…
A father at the church asked a newly wed couple to practice celibacy for a month in order to join the church. After a month they returned and made it known that they had failed The husband said that he kept strong till day 27 but then his wife dropped a cereal box and when…
I was offered Sex Today I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now…
Both Golf “Honey, I have a confession to make,” a guy told his bride. “I’m a golf nut. You’ll never see me on weekends during golf season. ” “Well, dear,” she murmured. “I have a confession to make too. I’m a hooker. ” “No big deal,” replied the groom. “Just keep your head down and…
My girlfriend just dumped me. She said in a teary tirade: “I can’t take your shit any more. You’re so pedantic. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you…. …. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll…
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, “How was I born?” His mother awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.” “Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were you and Daddy born?” “Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.” The boy begins his paper, “This report has been…
On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately… “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with…
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.” The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, ‘Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?’ If not, don’t say it. I thought this sounded like a…