My daughter just walked into the living room and said “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my…
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Sam looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?” They draw straws. Lester, who…
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.” Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he…
A Statistician Refuses to Fly His friend asks him, “Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?” “Irrational?” the statistician replies, “Not at all. I’ve merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it’s much too high for my comfort.” A few days later, the friend boarded a flight…
A housewife buys a parrot from a pet store At the counter, the cashier warns her that the parrot used to live in a brothel and picked up a lot of the language they used. She takes the parrot back to her house and puts him in a cage. The bird looks around and says…
A good approach in asking for a raise . . . A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?” Maria: “Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than…
An adorable old woman visits the doctor. “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it…
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don’t know but I’ve never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him. Priest: Hi…
A blonde comes home from school and says “Mummy, mummy, all the other girls in my class can only count to 10 but I can count to 20. Is it because I’m blonde?” Her mother replies: “Yes dear, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the blonde comes home from school and says: “Mummy, mummy,…
Not much of a man… An old, grizzled truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker’s cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one spat in…