Julius Caesar and Marcus Brutus are at the airport. Brutus: “Which is our boarding gate Caesar?” Caesar: “A-2 Brutus” Brutus: “And what time is the flight Caesar?” Caesar: “8:02 Brutus” Brutus: “By the way, I have sandwiches. Do you want one Caesar?” Caesar: “Ate two Brutus” Brutus: “This is an unusual paper size for a…
A Mormon and an Irishman were on a plane After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by…
A regular family dinner Son: Mama, I saw Papa in the maids bedroom today Pa: H-Hey now you just be quiet and eat your dinner son Ma: Go on son… Son: Papa took off his clothes and the maid did the same!!! Pa: Now listen here you lying little sh– Ma: Finish the story Son!…
A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy. While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: “Do penguins grow this big?” “I should think so,” the barman replies. The man raises his hand. “How about this big?” “Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I’m not…
Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where an old-timer is having breakfast. One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor. Without a word of protest, the old…
The Promotion I came home from work last night and told my wife that I’ve been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary. “Well, you’d better hire someone who’s a bit old, fat and ugly” she said “I don’t want…
Two boys, one five the other six, have returned home from their first visit to a farm. The older boy runs to Mom and shouts excitedly: – Mommy, Mommy, we were shown so many things there! You won’t believe it, but we saw a pig that was even fatter than you! The mother gives the…
My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning.. “Why do you shave, daddy?” she enquired. “Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin.” I explained. “Does it hurt?” she asked. “No, not at all.” I said. “Unless I cut myself.” “And then do you put a Band Aid on?” She asked. “No,…
Little Johnny, annoyed by all the rules he has to follow in the house, goes to his dad. “Dad, I’m 10, but still have to get permission to leave the house, to stay out late with my friends, to skip school, to eat what I want, to buy what I want. At what age will…
Buying aspirin Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms. “I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms.” “Yeah, I went to a…