After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him “I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation…
“If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job,” said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket. “Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo,” I replied. “Why…
A tenant goes to his upstairs neighbour! He says: “I’m renovating my living room and since your flat is the same as mine, I’m wondering, how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your living room?” Neighbour: “I bought 13 rolls!” After a week the tenant calls his neighbour: “Hey, I also bought 13…
Old blonde joke. A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears. “What’s wrong, dear?” He asks Through her tears she says, “well, I’ve been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can’t seem to figure it out! It’s supposed to be a…
Blonde gets caught speeding. The cop is also a blonde. Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.” Driver: “What’s that?” Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.” Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop. Cop looks at it, hands it back and…
A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, “Can you make a sentence without using ‘E’?” “I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing…
Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in. The first nun is asked, “Who was the first man on Earth?” She says, “Adam.” Lights flash and the pearly gates open. The second nun is asked, “Who was the first woman on Earth?” She says, “Eve.” Lights flash…
Legs Up Nina comes home after school and asks her mother “mommy, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?”. Mother responds: “I don’t think that’s true, Nina. Why do you think so?”. “Because I just walked past the neighbours house” Nina says “and the lady was screaming ‘Oh God, i’m coming’, so…
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.” “Very good, Suzie,” replied…
A CEO went to see his lawyer and was greeted with the following comment: “I have some good news and some bad news for you.” “OK, I’ve had an awful day, so let’s hear the good news first,” the man replied. “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures that are now worth a minimum of…