Millionaire The teacher stood in front of the class. “Take a pencil and paper,” she said, “and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’” Every student in the class began to write furiously. Everyone but Philip, who leaned back in his seat with his arms folded. “What’s the matter,” the teacher…
A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim, “Super Pussy!”. She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her…
Jimmy farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Jimmy, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?” “I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks…
A kindergarten student told his teacher he’d found a cat… A kindergarten student told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her student. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?!?!?!” the…
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in. Doctor: I have some good news and bad news. Me: Tell me the bad news first doc. Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe. Me: No way. Whats the…
Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears. Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble. Johnny looked into the cot and said ‘what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his…
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point….
On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, “Today we’re creating a place called Canada. “Today we’re creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife.” “Sir,”…
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? They push two twins together to make a king. edit: OK, so, apparently this joke was made 10 months ago by some other person. I never knew about that, I thought this was an original joke, so all you people busting a nut because you think I…
Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!” And so they did. As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!…