Three men walk into a bar. One works for Budweiser, one works for Corona, and one works for Guinness. “What would you like?” the bartender asks the Budweiser worker. “I’ll have a Budweiser,” says the Budweiser worker. “And you?” the bartender asks the Corona worker. “I’ll have a Corona,” responds the Corona worker. “Let me…
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender… “Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day,” the cowboy says. The bartender replies, “They’ve gone to the hanging.”…
A housekeeper approached the lady of the house to ask for a raise… “And why would you deserve a raise, may I ask?”, said the wealthy homeowner. “3 reasons: Because I’m a better cook than you are”, said the maid. “Who told you that?” “Your husband. And I’m also better at cleaning.” “Who told you…
A teacher gathers her kids from recess and asks them what they did. Joey goes first: “I was playing kickball.” The teacher says, “Very good, Joey! Spell ‘ball’, and I’ll give you a cookie.” Janey goes next: “I was playing kickball with Joey.” “Very good, Janey! Spell ‘kick’, and I’ll give you a cookie!” Jordan…
Timmy is in second grade studying subtraction when the teacher asks, “Timmy, if I have 5 cats and give you 2, how many cats do you have?” Timmy, “3.” Teacher, “no Timmy, if I have 5 cats and give you 2, I have 3 left. 5 minus 2 is 3. What if I have 5…
God is watching The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’ Moving further along the lunch line, at…
A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy. Unfortunately, they can’t determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go…
A woman is walking home with her daughters. The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, “Mummy, how did I get my name?” “Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that’s why we named you Rose.” The second daughter, now curious, asks the…
At the diner… A guy walks into a diner and orders a cup of coffee. The waitress pours him one, and walks away. The guy raises the cup to his lips, when suddenly a little voice from inside the cup squeaks “Buddy, if I was as ugly as you, I’d shave my ass and teach…
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the…