During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, “how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?” “Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.” “Oh,…
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. “Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.” “Oh,…
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover The ad reads: “Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, “Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so…
I’m not having much luck with jobs lately. I wasn’t suited to be a tailor. The muffler factory was just exhausting. I couldn’t cut it as a barber. I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor. I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it. The…
There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie – poof it swallows you up. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar….
A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, “I’ll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you’re doing.” At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well. Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she…
A politicians promise A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.” On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would…
A nun asks her class, “Who knows what city Jesus was born in?” Little Johnny raises his hand and shouts, “Cheltenham!” The nun shakes her head and says, “No. Anyone else?” Little Johnny raises his hand again and shouts, “Willow Grove!” Again, the nun shakes her head. “Nope. Anyone else?” Little Johnny jumps up and…
My Lawyer said to me… “I have some good news and I have some bad news.” “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first,” I said. My lawyer said: “Your wife invested $5,000 in 2 pictures today that she figured were worth a minimum of $5 million!!!” “Well done, very good news…
The farmer’s wife died. He called the newspaper in town to check the cost of getting an obituary printed – “£20 per word” they told him. There was a long pause and then he said – “okay, write: WIFE DEAD”. The newspaper secretary understood the dilemma and said “look, you can do better than that,…