So I was at the bar the other day… …and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass. Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup. She said to me, “Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should…
A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat The tattooed guy brags: “I have the best job, I’m a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!” The hot blonde responds: “Well, I’m a prostitute. It’s literally my job. I have one customer per hour!” Finally the pale…
An old man was sitting on a bench… When a teenage skater punk sat down next to him. The kid has tattoos and piercings and a Mohawk dyed a half a dozen different colors. He notices the old man won’t stop staring at him so says to him “What, you’ve never done anything fun in…
Please be careful when selecting a tattoo parlor! One of my friends ended up in hospital while studying abroad in Barcelona. First time away from home, pretty sheltered upbringing, so he went a bit overboard. Got real drunk one night and decided to get a tattoo. Fast forward to a few days later and he’s…
Englishman, irishman and a scot are convinced their wives are having affairs. Englishman says; “my wife must be having an affair with mechanic. When I came home I saw his overalls under our bed.” Scot says; “my wife is having an affair with a musician. I saw a guitar under our bed.” Irish man says;…
A small town doctor was renowned for his accuracy on predicting the sex of a child early in the pregnancy When he was retiring, they asked him how he always got it right. He laughed and said, “I would tell the mother my prediction, and then immediately write down the opposite sex in my notes.”…
A woman gets on a bus and the bus driver exclaims “that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” Angry as she’s ever been, she storms to the back of the bus and sits next to a man who is reading the newspaper. He noticed the woman was visibly upset and asks her what’s wrong. She…
A bloke notices a gorgeous bird giving him the eye in the supermarket. “Do I know you?” he asks. She says, “Aren’t you the dad of one of my kids?” He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, “Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table at…
Two hookers are standing on a corner… when a cop car rolls by and the officer eyes them suspiciously. The girls act like they’re waiting on the light to turn, and the officer drives off. One of the hookers watches the policeman drive off with disdain in her eyes. She asks the other, “Have you…
Three women are going back to visit the Catholic school that they grew up in, and they find the nun who taught them as children. “So what have you young ladies been doing with your lives?” the nun asks. The first woman responds, “Well, I’ve become an engineer, I’m married and I have three kids.”…